The Big Borowski

About the poster: I know I should have spent a lot more time getting things right, but I do have to work at least part of the day. I would spend more time on the Dude's/Borowski's face, because you can't really tell it was him, and I would place a baseball glove in C.C.'s right hand. I would also spend more time on the titling fonts, etc.

THE BIG BOROWSKI (memorable quotes)

THE MANAGER (ERIC WEDGE): Way out midwest there was this fella I wanna tell ya about. Fella by the name of Joe Borowski. At least that was the handle his loving teammates gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. This Borowski, he called himself The Closer. Now, "Closer", there's a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then, there was a lot about the Closer that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. And a lot about where he lived, likewise. But then again, maybe that's why I found the place so durned interestin'. They call Cleveland the "Metropolis of the Western Reserve," but I didn't find it to be that, exactly. But I'll allow it as there are some nice folks there. 'Course, I can't say I seen Toronto, and I never been to Tampa. And I ain't never seen no Bud Selig in his damned undies, as a fella says. But I'll tell you what... after seein' Cleveland, and this here story I'm about to unfold, well, I guess I seen somethin' every bit as stupefyin' as you'd see in any of them other places. And on Gameday, too. So I can die with a smile on my face, without feelin' like the good lord gypped me. Now this here story I'm about to unfold took place back on Monday night - just about the time of our conflict with Theo Epstein and the Red Sox. I only mention it because sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man - and I'm talkin' about the Closer here - sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that's the Closer. In the 9th inning. And even if he can't pitch - and the Closer most certainly could not. Quite possibly the worst in the AL Central, which would place him high in the runnin' for worst pitcher worldwide - Sometimes there's a man... Sometimes, there's a man. Ah, I lost my train of thought here. But... aw, hell. I done introduced him enough.

BOROWSKI ON BLOWING A SAVE: "Everything's a fucking travesty with you, man!"

BOROWSKI ON THE OPPOSITION: Shit, I know that guy. He's a nihilist. Kevin Youkilis.

BOROWSKI ON THE NOTION HE SHOULDN'T CLOSE: Yeah, well, you know that's just, like uh ...your opinion, man.

BOROWSKI ON HIS BULLPEN MATES: Fuck sympathy. I don't need your fuckin sympathy. I need my fucking Jensen!

BOROWSKI ON LAST NIGHT'S APPEARANCE: Hey! Careful, man, there's a leverage here!

WHAT BOROWSKI SHARES WITH PAUL BYRD: Fortunately, I'm adhering to a very strict drug regimen to keep my mind limber.

WALTER SABATHIA: Fuck it, Closer. Let's go bowling.

WALTER SABATHIA ON C.M. WANG: What the fuck are you talking about? The Chinaman is not the issue here, Closer. I'm talking about throwing a changeup in the sand. Against this changeup, you DO NOT... Also, Closer, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.

DON'T INTERRUPT WALTER SABATHIA: Shut the fuck up Grady! Grady, you're out of your element!

WALTER SABATHIA TO MARK SHAPIRO: Life does not start and stop at your convenience you miserable piece of shit.

IF WALTER SABATHIA ON WHY JOBA SHOULD START: If you put me in the 8th, you are entering a world of pain. A world... of pain.

WALTER SABATHIA ON WILD PITCHES: Do you see what happens, Victor, WHEN YOU LET A CHANGEUP FUCKING PAST? (proceeds to smash up what he believes is Victor's bat) THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, VICTOR! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET A CHANGEUP FUCKING PAST!

WALTER SABATHIA ON DUSTIN PEDROIA: Also Closer, let's not forget, let's not forget that keeping wildlife, um... an amphibious rodent, for... um, you know domestic... within the city... that ain't legal either.

WALTER SABATHIA ON THE M.L.B. FOREIGN AMATEUR DRAFT LOOPHOLE: Eight year olds, dude.

WALTER SABATHIA ON BOROWSKI'S COMMAND: That slider really tied the bullpen together, did it not? That's right, Closer, they teed off on your fucking slider.

WALTER SABATHIA ON SEMANTICS: Of course they were Red Sox, Grady; they were threatening castration! Are we gonna split hairs here? Am I wrong? These are Red Sox, Grady. Don't worry they're cowards.

WALTER SABATHIA ON BRUSHBACKS: You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me.

WALTER SABATHIA ON SEPTEMBER CALLUPS: I'm stayin'!...(picking up mug) I'm finishing my coffee... (takes sip, sets mug down, gently slams fists on counter; grimly)...Enjoying my coffee....

WALTER SABATHIA ON THE RED SOX NATION: Say what you like about the tenets of New York Yankeedom, Closer, at least it's an ethos.

WALTER SABATHIA ON THE DETROIT TIGERS: Those fuckin' amateurs!

THE MANAGER ON ELLSBURY COMING IN TO PINCH RUN FOR ORTIZ: Darkness warshed over the Closer - darker'n a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night. There was no bottom.

JESUS (MANNY): Are you ready to be fucked, man?

JESUS (MANNY): Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull some shit like that with us? You pull your fastball out in a 2-2 count. I'll take it away from you, shove it up your ass and pull the trigger 'til it go click. Nobody fucks with the Manny.

BUNNY (PAPELBON): I'll dance a jig for $1000.

BOROWSKI ON 2007 ALCS GAME 7: Nothing is FUCKED?! The god-damn plane has crashed INTO THE MOUNTAIN!

BOB WATSON ON FRANCONA'S JACKET: I don't like your jerkoff name, I don't like your jerkoff face, I don't like your jerkoff behavior, and I don't like you. Jerkoff.

YOUKILIS: We are Nihilists, Borowski. We believe in nothing. Yeah, nothing.

THE MANAGER ON BOROWSKI'S RESILIENCE: 'The Closer abides'. Dunno about you, but I take comfort in those words. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Closer. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the series. Say, friend - you got any more of them good sabremetrics?

BOROWSKI: I threw the slider exactly as per... look, man, I've got certain pitches, all right? Certain things I can throw. And, you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new shit, you know, I-I-I-I... this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, you know?

SHAPIRO: What in God's holy name are you blathering about?

BOROWSKI: I'll tell you what I'm blathering about... I've got pitches man! That's the shit that I can throw! And shit... man, the ball hit itself out. Well sure, man. Look at it... a young Rawlings baseball, in the parlance of our times, you know, and it, uh, uh, owes money all over town, including to known bloggers, and that's cool... that's, that's cool, I'm, I'm saying, it needs money, man. And of course they're going to say that they didn't watch it, because... they were watching the Yankees, man! They got to feed the monkey, I mean uh... hasn't that ever occurred to you, man? Sir?

SHAPIRO: Are you employed, sir?
BOROWSKI: Employed?
SHAPIRO: You don't go out looking for a job dressed like that? On a weekday?
BOROWSKI: Is this a... what day is this?
SHAPIRO: Well, I do work sir, so if you don't mind...
BOROWSKI: I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.