ANTM: Experience Is No Good If You Never Use It

I don't want to dwell too much on last week. I was sad to see Kim go because she was fairly attractive and seemed to have talent. I think Atalya was sent home because she looked like Miss J and they didn't want to confuse the audience. But really, this competition doesn't really start until the makeovers happen, and I really couldn't wait to see what Tyra and company had in store for us.

Before we get to the makeovers, we have to peek into the model apartment. I understand why they live in NYC, but I sort of missed being able to drop completely useless tidbits about LA geography into these recaps. My loss is your gain, because that means the recaps will surely be 20% shorter without me talking about myself.

It's a little early in the season, but some of the girls are talking about who they think their toughest competition is. Dominique, one of the mothers in this competition trying to make it, feels strongly about her own chances. She said that she needs to step it up after being in the bottom four this week, but any time they decide to feature you at the beginning of the show, you know they are setting you up for a fall.

Dominique might have some problems, but there is no problem that can't be fixed by free clothing. Tyra, never one to hold back free swag from her models, gives them white bags filled with Apple Bottoms designed clothing. Never heard of Apple Bottoms? It's part of the rapper Nelly's nascent empire, and not surprisingly, the clothes accentuate the part of anatomy they were named after. As Q-tip says, it's something that everybody has and some pirates and thieves try to take.

Da booty.

Normally, free shit wouldn't be a big deal. The girls would remark at how cute they all look, and that would be over. But one of these girls is not like the other. While all of the other ladies are trying on new things, Allison is slung back in a couch complaining at how unprofessional everybody is. Basically, she is wondering why there is even a competition. She's already modeled. She's traveled overseas. She throws up twice as much as them and does twice as much blow!

Allison may be experienced, but she is the second person this episode to talk about how great she is. And some people don't think she is all that great. After somebody says that Allison's butt is "the epitome of apple-bottomness", Fatima mentions that Allison's butt is bigger than hers. Now, let's ignore the fact that Allison is NOWHERE CLOSE TO HAVING AN APPLE BOTTOM. I have seen apple bottoms, apple bottoms are a friend of mine. You dear, are no Apple bottom.

But you see, Allison has had a struggle with eating disorders and when Fatima says that Allison's but is big because Allison is bigger than general, Allison gets pissed. Call me jaded or whatever, but an eating disorder on this show is not a big deal. As sad as it is to say, eating disorders are common in America. They are VERY common in modeling, and if Allison is going to storm off just because somebody says she is bigger (not fat, just bigger), she's never going to make it in the industry. It may be a struggle for her to stay fit and eat right and be healthy, but if you freak out because people say you are too fat, you might not have what it takes to be a model, or for that matter a trapeze artist, but that is neither here nor there.

The first challenge sends the girls to Wal*Mart. Cover girl has partnered with Wal*Mart, and wherever Cover Girl goes, ANTM will follow, at least until they can find another sponsor. This year's winner will have their own display featured in Wal*Marts all across the country.

Once again, Allison commented that she was doing better than a lot of the girls. Unfortunately, the judges didn't think so. The said Allison had way too much makeup on, although she did have a moment of happiness when they said Fatima had muted her look way too much. The winner was Claire, which is great, because she put on the least amount of makeup. Easy, breezy, and beautiful indeed.

Claire is our other mother, and when the girls are back home, she and Dominique talk a little bit about what it means to have a child and be in the competition. See, it's not just about them, they have to be fierce for two. They have been used to playing dual roles, and I found it just a little hilarious that Dominique said she had to play the mother and the father because I have always thought she had a little bit of a mannish face. OK, it's not so mannish as much as "washed up female boxer", but I still don't think that speaks very highly to her chances in the competition.

You know who does have a good shot in this competition? Allison! Don't believe? You should ask her yourself. She has lots of experience, from modeling to eating disorders, so she knows how to cope with competition. Perhaps you didn't know this, but Allison also has experience with psychiatrists, so to help her deal with Fatima, she decided to play with some dolls. She stuffed her Fatima doll with tissues in the back end, because being black Fatima is supposed to have a bigger butt. Personally, I don't see the problem with a big butt! Some of us respect the booty.

Fatima didn't seem to care very much until Allison said "I like to take it from the back, because I'm black" when referring to the Fatima doll. I found it a little odd that Allison would want people to be sensitive to her eating disorder, but when it comes to Fatima's genital mutilation (remember she can't have sex), it's all fun and games. Yes, I am overstating it a bit, and really, what is that supposed to mean? If she had said "Face down, ass up, that's the way we like to fuck", then that would have made sense.

Anyway, Fatima was pissed, and I am sort of surprised it didn't escalate further. I know that she hasn't warmed up to everybody in the house, but I thought Marvita would absolutely flip out, but it didn't happen. If these two girls stick around, it should be fun to watch, especially since it appears none of the other girls really like either of them.

You have probably noticed that I have skipped commenting on all of the awful scenes of the girls reading from the Tyra Ticker. I will say it is one of the dumbest ideas ever on the show, or at least making the girls read at the same time is dumb. Sometimes, people saying things all at once has a dramatic effect, like the crowd saying "WHEEL....OF...FORTUNE!!!!" before Pat and Vanna do their thing. In this case, it's just annoying.

It is difficult for me to get upset when I know that the makeovers are coming up, but I was a little worried because Tyra decided to switch things up. In order to make the show more realistic she wasn't going to tell the girls what they would look like first. In the industry, you show up at a shoot, go to hair and makeup, and you don't know what you look like until you are done. The girls wouldn't know what hit them!

Two things were making this scene unrealistic. First, there are still too many girls on this show that have no business modeling. So there's that. And since it wouldn't be too fun if we didn't have idea of what they looked like, they put Tyra inside of a little box in the corner and had her explain. It was called Tyra vision, and if I didn't love her so much, I probably would have stabbed my eye out having to watch it. Besides, how much of a surprise is it? If the girl is getting chemicals in her hair, she knows she is getting a color change. Even the most stupid of them would know if they were cutting their old hair short, and if you see them sewing more hair into your old hair, you know you are getting a weave or extensions. Yes, the final look might be a surprise, but it couldn't be a complete shock.

With all that being said, I really liked the makeovers. I could have lived without Tyra vision, but the rest were actually really good. Most of the girls got a lot better. For some of them, you could really see what they were thinking. In fact, the only dud was Dominique. She went from having single mom hair to Stepford mom hair. She said it was high fashion, but only if you are ordering from LL Bean.

Let's start the makeovers with Claire. She has her own unique style and I am glad that they were able to keep her funky flavor. There is something that throws me off a little bit though. I am a huge fan of the New York Yankees, and whenever I see Claire, it she reminds me of Andy Pettitte. Don't believe me, look at this:

So, if I start liking Claire, does that mean I am secretly in love with Andy Pettitte? He's never been one of my man crushes, and although I really like baseball, I don't think I can put him on my list. Strangely enough, he is not the only Yankee that reminds me of a hot woman. Look at this picture of A-Rod and Noemie Lenoir. Now, there is no question I want to bang Noemie. Does this mean...I think I should just stop there.

Like I said, here are my favorite makeovers.

I think Fatima is one of the most dramatic. She never had a weave before, and she was crying as they did her hair, but the ends justify the means. There is so much natural beauty there, it is really going to be hard for the other girls to beat her unless she fucks up. But if Fatima is ever able to flip that switch, it's game over for the rest of them.

Armed with their new looks, everybody met Mr. J for the shoot. George Holz was the guest photographer, but the big news on the set was Elle McPherson. The Body has her own line of lingerie and the girls would be modeling her wares. Top Models and lingerie. Who could ask for anything more?

The great thing about having Elle on set is that she is able to get the models great advice, and even Jay and his monster ego ahs to take a back seat because she holds that much clout.

Fatima went first. She had a little bit awkward positioning with her body, but you just can't doubt the rest. I think she is gorgeous, and will do great as a model after the show, which is probably why Tyra will want to shock everybody and get rid of her like they got rid of Nenna a few seasons ago. Just to make the crowd think a little. She's good for now though.

I don't know what to think about Anya right now. I think it was good that they gave her the blonde hair, because it makes her much more striking. This is a great shot though.

Claire's energy is infections on the set. I do hope she goes far, and she has an amazing cut fastball. Shit! Andy Pettitte has a great cut fastball, but I still like Claire a lot. She is doing what comes naturally to her, not overthinking it, and it all works. Love her eyes in this.

Whitney should have been perfect for lingerie with all her curves, but they put her in a corset that not only hid all of her ass-ets, but made it impossible for her to move. I think she can do better.

They marvel about Stacy Ann's bone structure, and perhaps that is true. This picture didn't blow me away, however.

Katarzyna. Oh Katarzyna. It's sometimes hard to remember that she is even in this competition because her personality hasn't come through on the rest of the show, but she really brought the sex to the city in this shoot. Elle was concerned they were practically shooting smut, but I don't care, Katarzyna just oozed sex in this photo. It might not work as Top Model photograph, but perhaps a top secret (Victoria's Secret, of course) photograph is more fitting.

I know Tyra likes to get an unconventional girl just to see what they will do, but eventually the unconventional girl needs to turn into a model. I give her one more episode talking about how she never feels sexy or pretty before I start to get annoyed and want her to shut up. This photo was pretty eh for me.

I don't know if you ever want to compare a model to a horse, but Tyra gave Marvita the horse's main hair and it works for her. She also had a little bit of an edge to her in this competition, and her look suits her as well. She's got a lot of power in this photo and I like it a lot.

Whenever I see Allison, I think low-rent Kate Mara. She has all the experience, but she should realize by now she needs a lot of work when it comes to high fashion. Jay complained that everything she was doing was a pose and rehearsed, which was true because she was rehearsing everything beforehand. It might not be bad to rehearse, but a model does need some improv skills, and Allison wasn't able to get her brain out of the poses when the photographer asked.

I don't think Amis is anything to write home about, but wow. Her picture is a thousand times better than what she looks in person.

Aimee! Who is she? Ummm. Something. Something. Something. Let's hope they find something interesting about her next week, because I don't remember anything about her, and this photo isn't really helping.

Finally Dominique. Did she get the worst hair or what? I remember when I first saw this hair on Marla Gibbs in 227. See for yourself:

Not your best work Tyra.

Allison and Fatima avoided starting a race war and then it was off to judging. Let me once again thank the producers for booting Twiggy. Paulina is awesome. Not Janet Dickinson awesome, but still pretty awesome. Going into the judging, I thought that Dominique was a goner. There were a lot of good pictures, and the judges were throwing out the praise and the criticism, but Dominique got much more of the latter.

The judges seemed to really love Marvita. Nigel called her "stunning" and Paulina almost peed herself talking about how much she looked like a Panther. Claire also got a lot of praise, especially for the way she was able to work her brow, which the judges said reminded them of Christy Turlington. They did a side by side of Fatima and Iman, and really, if the second coming of Iman does not win Top Model, they might as well just stop the show.

If there was anybody who could stop Dominique's descent to the bottom, it was Allison. When she went in front of the judges, Tyra said she looked "soft and pretty". Allison was so excited, she said "I KNOW". Nigel scolded her for not saying thank you, and I do rag on Allison, but I think she was just really giddy and not thinking. However, after Tyra joked that she was "waiting for the thank you" Allison sort of smiled, and didn't say anything. OK, perhaps Allison was still a too happy and couldn't hear Tyra above the laughter. Tyra finally said "Is it coming?" and when it didn't come, you could tell she was a little disappointed.

The judges didn't like Allison's pictures, saying that she didn't put any of her modeling assets to work. That meant she was put in the final two with...Dominique. Both of these girls were bragging how they were the competition, and now one of them will be eliminated. I would like to say I didn't see it coming, but really, I did and I am sure all of you did.

For me, there was no suspense in the elimination. Dominique looked awful. In the shot they picked, you could see a bit of cottage cheese, and while nobody's legs can be perfect, it's a model's job to hide it a little. The judges said she looked like a catalog model in her shot, and although I blame them for giving her the most catalog model hair imaginable, it didn't seem like anything would save her. And then Tyra called her name.

OK, that was a little bit of a shock. I guess Tyra didn't want to wait around for her thank you anymore. And you know that Tyra likes to pick models and mold them into her vision, and it appeared Allison, with all her experience, was going to be the most difficult to shake free.

What did you think of the episode? Did Allison deserve to go home? Who had the best makeover?